A few nights ago, I literally had a dream about my negative voice – actually, it was more like a nightmare. A strange man walked up to me and said, “Who do you think you are? Who are YOU to think that you can be a writer, a published author? You have a degree in music performance. You’re a violinist, not a writer! You are wasting your life by pursuing writing and not music.”
I was held spell-bound by what this man was saying. I soaked in every word as if he was reading me the Gospel. Maybe he was right. I did feel inadequate sometimes. And it is true: I’m a trained classical violinist. I didn’t go to school to become an author. Think of those tens of hundreds of dollars that will be sucked down the drain, worthless, because I pursue something I love yet didn’t get an expensive degree in.
Suddenly, my iPhone rang, which I was holding in my hand. I looked at the screen and saw it was The Warrior calling. I looked up at the man and back at the phone screen. I was so awfully absorbed with this negative, forceful voice that I almost did not take The Warrior’s call. I stood in the balance between positivity and negativity. But then I made my choice and said to the man, “I HAVE to take this. I don’t know when I’ll hear from him next,” which was probably inspired by the fact that The Warrior is deploying soon. I took his call, walked away from the negativity, and after that I don’t remember what happened. But there is great symbolism in him interrupting the negative voice in my dream.
The Warrior has been the BIGGEST positive voice in my life in regards to my writing – and it’s not a false aww-you’re-the-best-baby-slobbering-love-affair adoration. He believes in what I do, he encourages me in what I do, and he has confidence that I will be very successful with my writing career. He has said (genuinely) on multiple occasions, “One day you will write a New York Times bestseller.” (Although I tease him and say, “The only reason you want me to be a NY Times bestselling author is so that YOU can claim some of the fame, being married to me.” Ha!)
Sometimes I do have self-doubt. Sometimes I think that I don’t have any credibility, or that no one will be interested in my work. When I get down to it, I would write even if no one read my words; I write because I LOVE it and feel a need to do it. But it’s hard to not sometimes feel the pressure of being successful at my dream.
I thank God for The Warrior. He keeps me grounded. He reminds me of what is important in life. He reminds me of my self-worth. And he gives me that extra push I need to ignore the negative voices and listen to the positive ones.